I just feel like I should be happy and I can't get there. I think I'm missing out on a lot because I'm not excited about the planning and what's going on around me - but I'm just not excited, I'm apathetic. I don't really CARE about what's going on and get mad when choices are made *for* me. But I don't really want to make the choices, so I'll just pick the cheapest thing, because that's how I usually make choices.

I'm still mad about someone inviting his mother (as we'd already agreed to invite his father - who I don't really care too much for in the first place after how little respect he showed for cancelling so many times and then the fact that I learned nothing from the premarital counseling as it was simply repeating the same 5 minutes over and over again).

It's like everything has just piled on top and I'm just at the point where it really doesn't matter anymore. I can just curl into a ball and it will all happen regardless of what I do, so why bother trying? Why should I try to be happy or to make decisions that I want or to whatever anymore? It's not going to be how I envisioned it - either my 'dream wedding' or my 'dream wedding on a budget', so why bother trying? I just keep making myself worse by trying.

Now I can try and let go of trying... But will that get me happy again? I don't know.

At least my cat is healthy again. I keep focusing on that.